I’ve been looking for a savior…
I was advised to talk to someone whenever I feel sad, so I’m writing to you (all).
***I’d rather be a lover than a fighter
‘Cause all my life, I’ve been fighting
Never felt a feeling of comfort
All this time, I’ve been hiding
And I never had someone to call my own, I’m so used to sharing
Love only left me alone
But I’m at one with the silenceI found peace in your violence
Can’t tell me there’s no point in trying
I’m at one, and I’ve been quiet for too longI’m in need of a savior, but I’m not asking for favors
My whole life, I’ve felt like a burden
I think too much, and I hate it
I’m so used to being in the wrong, I’m tired of caring
Loving never gave me a home, so I’ll sit here in the silence***
Song title of the lyrics above: Silence by Marshmallow ft Khalid.
This song perfectly sums up my life.
I’ve always been an advocate for mental health and over time, I’ve dropped hints here that I’ve beem secretly battling clinical depression for years now but never really came out to admit it.
Maybe now that I’ll be honest, I may feel better. At least the secret’s out and hopefully I can feel less guilty for not taking calls while I dry my tears, for typing “lol” while sobbing.
For being awake at odd hours because I couldn’t sleep anymore after crying myself to sleep almost every night, for researching efficient painless ways to die, for intentionally standing in front of a vehicle praying it hits me and ends my misery.
I can’t exactly place a date on when it started, how or why but I know for years I’ve lived with this.
Some days I’m numb, most days I’m in pain (emotionally/mentally), others are good enough but beneath the surface lies a problem awaiting a solution.
It’s this depression that drains me. I’m practically just existing from day to day waiting for when I run out of days but then there’s my mother who unfortunately has only me.
If ever I’m cowardly enough to commit suicide, it won’t just be a life lost but most likely two. There’s that to kick sense back into me.
The endless, torturous voices that makes death seem more of bliss than the tragedy that it is are consistent. They speak louder these days.
I was advised to find out what triggers it hence finding a possible solution but there really is no trigger; my depression is caused by all the little things that taunt me mentally; the body-shaming, rejection, failure, abuse and a bunch of other toxicity I’ve encountered.
I try to sleep it off but I suffer from nightmares. Some days I’m too scared to fall asleep. It’s mentally and physically exhausting.
In a bid to solve my mental illness, I caused myself physical & spiritual damage. So now; what is the way forward? Nothing works anymore!
The sunken place… some have called it.
I am at the point where I’m unsure of what the solution is, I suppose I’ll just carry on till my time is up or maybe eventually this would let up. Maybe.
But I fear that the day I start to actually live and find some sort of genuine happiness may be the day my forgotten prayers gets answered.
All the times I’ve wept and pleaded with the Lord to take my life one way or another may just happen when I least expect it. It’s tough. It’s rough. It’s scary. One just never knows.
The failed attempted suicides makes me question if I really do have a reason for still being here. Hopefully in time; I’ll find my purpose.
But I’m okay … today.
Sending strength & love to all those who battle with mental illness. May we find the will to live and live to the fullest.