I’m standing here… Naked!

You’re so scared of breaking it that you won’t let it bend.

 

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Them: Think outside the box.

Me: What box?

My mind is claustrophobic. I know nothing of boxes. 😣

This is probably the most honest post I’ve posted till date.

I dislike being vulnerable but it would be hypocritical of me to continuously say “we are family” here then omit some truths from you.πŸ’ͺ

So here goes nothing…

I’m hoping at this stage, its become evident to you that I’m quite “different” from most.

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Let’s do a little flashback so its easier for you to follow.

Thinking about it now. I never allowed myself to be a child.

Don’t get me wrong, I played with dolls, wore pretty dresses and all of that as it should be.

But mentally, I was always way ahead of my peers. You see; I didn’t listen to barney songs. Oh no. I listened to Dido, Enya, Celine Dion, Boys2Men… The deep stuff on repeat (get it now?)

Not because I was in love or emotional but there was always something in the lyrics; the emotions they expressed that moved me deeply mentally. Its weird, I know.

I grew up around a lot of way older people so maybe that contributed to this but it got to a point where I seemed to surpass them in maturity mentally.

I remember my uncle who is older than me with about 9 years asking me why I hardly watched cartoons but a series that even he found too mature for him to understand.

I didn’t know. I loved it. I understood it.

I was in primary school. I was reading newspapers instead of story books.

Fast forward to secondary school; this is where it gets interesting.

Still doing great academically, probably even better. New school, new environment but a different yearning.

I remember sketching clothes on the board or paper in class (jss2 specifically) whenever we had free periods. It was excessive.

The daily struggle to channel my creativity was brewing.

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πŸ“·: benzapah

And then I started writing novels and giving it to my classmates to read to pass time during free periods. It wasn’t a big deal at the time. For fun and entertainment purposes.

Decisions.

Back then, in ss1 we were obligated to take all the subjects so you can easily decide your strengths.

I was still doing well academically although I struggled with chemistry. Every term my principal would write in the comment section of my report card “she needs to focus more on chemistry“… (It seems prophetic now)😁

We got to ss2. Time to decide if it’s going to be art or science.😱

Not to blow my own horn but i was really smart, I could have excelled at any field but I chose science.

Was? I am. I still can. πŸ˜‰

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I “catwalked” into science class with the hope of being a doctor someday. πŸ˜”

This is laughable because I am absolutely terrified of blood. My own blood freaks me out (TMI).πŸ˜‚

Even if I had passed the courses, I probably wouldn’t have been able to practice.

Being the emotional mess that I am, I can’t handle losing a stranger much less a patient.

Back then, I wanted my parents to be proud and I felt being a doctor would do that.

The art teacher came in, she asked us over and over again if we were sure that was the class we wanted. She told us to search ourselves and not go with the crowd.

As usual, I wasn’t thinking about the crowd. Most of my friends went to art class but I sat there… contemplating.

Not because I was worried I wouldn’t make it, not because I was scared of blood but because I wanted to be the “golden child“. For me, there was no other option.

Oddly enough, I have always been given the freedom to make my choices but I was my own biggest problem.

I pressured myself way too much so I sat there. Numb.

One day, our English teacher asked us to write a paper on “my class” and I was brutal. I am very observant, I laid it all bare for her.

I got called to the staff room. I was so scared because most teachers would be there. I thought I was in trouble. But lo and behold. It was my “composition“.

They all stared at me and then my English teacher asked me if I wrote it myself and why I felt that way. I answered as honestly as possible for a teenager.

She seemed intrigued. I couldn’t understand why. All I did was be honest.

Graduation day came and I was even more confused. I was still applying for medicine but my zeal had been crushed.

Jamb jammed me (twice)πŸ’”πŸ’”

At this point, I just wanted to graduate from anything and anywhereΒ but; oh the disappointment!

I was the “smart” one. Everyone expected more from me. I expected more from myself.

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No one genuinely asked what I wanted (it was always two options – doctor or lawyer), probably because I never gave them the opportunity to. I always had the right answers for everyone else but the battles I fought on the inside continued. It still does…

Finally, I got admission to study “IndustrialΒ Chemistry“… Way to go Principal. You called it.

It was interesting. No knowledge is wasted.

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But have I found fulfilment?
Not quite…

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I have still not figured out everything but I know much more now than I did before.

Nevertheless, I do not know how things will end up but I know how I want them to and I’m working and planning towards that. That is my focus.

I was in the womb for over a year. My mother says I was born “old“… Could that be it?

Somedays, I feel like it could be de jΓ‘ vu but now I know that I was born to stand out.

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You may wonder why I had to tell you all of these before getting to the point?

This is because I want you to see that life is a journey. Everything has its predestined time and lessons.

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It may all seem derailing but it will all come together to paint the bigger picture.

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I know times now are a bit complicated, I see so many people hiding behind their pain. Everyone wears a mask of pretence to be happy or have it all figured out.

None of us do.

 

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We learn and grow from experiences.

This is a friendly reminder that you are going to be okay and Yes; it may be hard but you can do it! You will. I know it!

We all try to attain perfection unbeknownst to us that we thrive through our imperfections.

Life is more fun that way.

Life will keep throwing questions at you. You don’t have to have all the answers now. Just be open to learning.

 

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Until the next post Amigos. I’ll be praying for you and yours.πŸ’ž

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